the forecast, fog

The fog is thicker now, reminiscent of San Francisco as it rolls through my mind as it rolls through the city, changing its perspective, changing me. It still can be hidden from others but the quickness, the bursts of energy, are less, my state of exhaustion so intense sometimes just the thought of a chore taps past any 'ready' energy, heading directly for the little bit on reserve.

Many times I tell myself I am thinking this way because I need to get away from Dallas for awhile. Other times I wonder if the strength to travel even exists. I am pretty determined to return to California with the purpose of enjoying what ever intrigues me. I want to watch the fog roll like my mind, stare at it and all its beauty and cry knowing even with the will of a warrior, what I feel will only intensify what the doctor last week described as a ' fairly rapid and notable decline'.

I continue to hold on and that which I hold, I hold tight, not ready to let go...the same reason I have not finished some of my permanent wishes. I do this with the belief that if something(s) are left undone, I will be given the time I need to finish them. And as easily as I can write this as my train of thought, I am equally aware that what I am wishing for is irrational as I know that the control I have left is limited, much like that of a child taking an order from a parent, my disease gives orders to my body and I can limit feeling the immediate and forth coming pain by using a 24 hour medication clock as when I was doing otherwise there was too much break through pain, now its just more intense and targeted toward the end of this life path.