tuesday 26.09
Today,
The days of wishing my own wellness have shifted to hours and sometimes within those hours it is minutes as I watch time go by too slow for my liking, when feeling the despair of nausea and hearing the rumbling from within, often louder than thunder in a storm.
The topical compounds that are placed directly over the veins I see through my skin and applied just like an aloe plant fascinate me only from the standpoint that the medicines 'soak' into my capalaries and travel, the idea to create an environment of less stress on my damaged organs. My stomach is getting a well deserved and probably needed break from having to digest what has now amounted to a double digit number of pills that are taken, sometimes hourly, just for the purpose of basic survival.
My taste for fine and good food has definitely shifted from pleasure to terrifying ritual as cuisine that once I craved now turns my insides upside down at the mere thought of ingestion.
I am tired physically and mentally less alert and it is obvious as I drag from room to room, still preferring to stay inward and aware than share with the masses that ask me, almost systematically, how I am feeling. Often I hesitate with an answer as that too changes frequently and the lack of balance is one that frustrates me and my medical team as well. Comfort at a satisfying level is not being achieved and possibly, is limited as the damage continues to throw me in a spiral, faster and more powerful than I last remember writing.
My conviction remains guarded but strong. My vision is hopeful and my plight is that of the falcon, knowing I too will soar some-day.
The days of wishing my own wellness have shifted to hours and sometimes within those hours it is minutes as I watch time go by too slow for my liking, when feeling the despair of nausea and hearing the rumbling from within, often louder than thunder in a storm.
The topical compounds that are placed directly over the veins I see through my skin and applied just like an aloe plant fascinate me only from the standpoint that the medicines 'soak' into my capalaries and travel, the idea to create an environment of less stress on my damaged organs. My stomach is getting a well deserved and probably needed break from having to digest what has now amounted to a double digit number of pills that are taken, sometimes hourly, just for the purpose of basic survival.
My taste for fine and good food has definitely shifted from pleasure to terrifying ritual as cuisine that once I craved now turns my insides upside down at the mere thought of ingestion.
I am tired physically and mentally less alert and it is obvious as I drag from room to room, still preferring to stay inward and aware than share with the masses that ask me, almost systematically, how I am feeling. Often I hesitate with an answer as that too changes frequently and the lack of balance is one that frustrates me and my medical team as well. Comfort at a satisfying level is not being achieved and possibly, is limited as the damage continues to throw me in a spiral, faster and more powerful than I last remember writing.
My conviction remains guarded but strong. My vision is hopeful and my plight is that of the falcon, knowing I too will soar some-day.
posted by the warrior at 12:22 AM
1 Comments:
eric, if the "masses that ask" you are your family, i hope you will connect with them in some way. they're going through this with you in their own way.
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