relevance of time
I am learning through the actions and interactions of friends and acquaintances that I have different value on time than most of whom I associate with. The days of me not wanting or needing to converse with someone for a period of time and then picking up where we left off are no longer something I am capable of handling emotionally. It is because I believe and know that I am on borrowed time and minutes in a day and a day in a week is something that I place high value on as I accelerate my need to complete.
The day of me writing an e-mail and not expecting a response for a period of several weeks are no longer. It is too much time past, time that becomes a memory without that or those whom I crave to hear from, to see, to listen to. I now think in blocks, simple blocks, and try to accomplish all that I can in a short block of time, leaving little to chance as I do not know how much more time I have been granted and allowed.
And as I listen to how my internal organs function solely with the assistance of medication FOR NOW and that in time, my body will reject the assistance which is the symbol to the end of my life as I know it, TIME has become a priority for the alternative is unfathomable. On those occasions when I am too ill to return a phone call or respond to an e-mail, I know it is lost time. And as I slow down I watch my response and ability to respond slow down, my mind is still thinking in terms of accomplishing all or nothing in the here and now.
I understand how lives complicate and situations arise where communication becomes a challenge between two people, me and another. I also know that the 'go with the flow' mentality and I will get to later mentality has distanced from my vocabulary as that time I speak about in the future may not be left for me, but will be for the others I involve myself with.
Now, it is more important for me to hear that 'I am too busy to talk' than to hear silence as I interpret the now silence as a closure of sorts as my future, when spelled out before me, is grave and spoken of in first days and then weeks and possibly months and never any further. So when I feel the need to see and do and be and go and I do not get a response for several days, which is a short period of time, I realize that I only have so many periods left and thus have almost over emphasized how valuable time truly is to me and my being.
Logically I know I will not accomplish so many things that I originally set out to accomplish. Figuratively I still am a visionary with high hopes and grand dreams and in my perfect world time could continue until infinity, people and situations would change with the times and I would witness it all. But this is not a reality nor even a wish for I am more concerned with the hoping I will hear and I will get to do sooner because the later may never arrive.
Still, I too am torn with some days just needing to be alone and needing to rest and needing to think and needing to be quiet as well but when I re-examine how my time was spent, I realize what I have gained in self and also lost in others for I too did not have the time or simply did not take the time as I needed to allocate it elsewhere for my own comfort, my own fears and meaningful relationships suffer. I still remain patient, but even patience has its limits with me and is something I have, like it or not, learned to have less of only because patience and time go hand in hand just like relationships.
I am more forward in my line of questioning, more direct in my answers and still remain an abstraction trying desperately to understand something that is too surreal for my mind to fully grasp the concept as to do so would erase all hope. And in the time that I have been given I live with HOPE as a conviction. Hope for another minute, another day, another phone call, another laugh, another visit all while battling that which has brought me to this way of thinking and feeling, my terminal illness. And I accept my illness but not entirely, for to accept at the deepest level there would be no hope and there would be no time and there would be no me.
The day of me writing an e-mail and not expecting a response for a period of several weeks are no longer. It is too much time past, time that becomes a memory without that or those whom I crave to hear from, to see, to listen to. I now think in blocks, simple blocks, and try to accomplish all that I can in a short block of time, leaving little to chance as I do not know how much more time I have been granted and allowed.
And as I listen to how my internal organs function solely with the assistance of medication FOR NOW and that in time, my body will reject the assistance which is the symbol to the end of my life as I know it, TIME has become a priority for the alternative is unfathomable. On those occasions when I am too ill to return a phone call or respond to an e-mail, I know it is lost time. And as I slow down I watch my response and ability to respond slow down, my mind is still thinking in terms of accomplishing all or nothing in the here and now.
I understand how lives complicate and situations arise where communication becomes a challenge between two people, me and another. I also know that the 'go with the flow' mentality and I will get to later mentality has distanced from my vocabulary as that time I speak about in the future may not be left for me, but will be for the others I involve myself with.
Now, it is more important for me to hear that 'I am too busy to talk' than to hear silence as I interpret the now silence as a closure of sorts as my future, when spelled out before me, is grave and spoken of in first days and then weeks and possibly months and never any further. So when I feel the need to see and do and be and go and I do not get a response for several days, which is a short period of time, I realize that I only have so many periods left and thus have almost over emphasized how valuable time truly is to me and my being.
Logically I know I will not accomplish so many things that I originally set out to accomplish. Figuratively I still am a visionary with high hopes and grand dreams and in my perfect world time could continue until infinity, people and situations would change with the times and I would witness it all. But this is not a reality nor even a wish for I am more concerned with the hoping I will hear and I will get to do sooner because the later may never arrive.
Still, I too am torn with some days just needing to be alone and needing to rest and needing to think and needing to be quiet as well but when I re-examine how my time was spent, I realize what I have gained in self and also lost in others for I too did not have the time or simply did not take the time as I needed to allocate it elsewhere for my own comfort, my own fears and meaningful relationships suffer. I still remain patient, but even patience has its limits with me and is something I have, like it or not, learned to have less of only because patience and time go hand in hand just like relationships.
I am more forward in my line of questioning, more direct in my answers and still remain an abstraction trying desperately to understand something that is too surreal for my mind to fully grasp the concept as to do so would erase all hope. And in the time that I have been given I live with HOPE as a conviction. Hope for another minute, another day, another phone call, another laugh, another visit all while battling that which has brought me to this way of thinking and feeling, my terminal illness. And I accept my illness but not entirely, for to accept at the deepest level there would be no hope and there would be no time and there would be no me.
posted by the warrior at 12:33 AM
1 Comments:
eric, i do not like it either when my friends take too long to get back to me.
i know of you only in little pieces: it seems you have returned to live with your parents/family and left your friends/support system in another state--is that right?
best wishes.
Post a Comment
<< Home