quiet time
I sit and enjoy my quiet time as my parents have taken a vacation of their choosing and realize that although I am grateful that my family offered me a place of shelter, I do miss, whether I think about it consciously or not, my years of 'independence' and separation from the nest and all the questions that came with the role I now call child.
Surprisingly though, my internal growth and maturation and the years of distance and often my own personal avoidance of family, has not altered my role and unfortunately I am still looked upon as a child. And due to the fact that I am terminally ill and my parents have knowledge and awareness of this fact and digest the information in their own way(s), my role of child is not an adult child, but a child. The nurturing that was not there before is not there today and I, for lack of knowing how to be any different, feel more like a fourteen year old and many of the issues that I face with my family and much of the conflict that arises is different scenario, same players, been-there-done-that-before.
The frustration and the lack of privacy, lack of freedom, lack of independence and lack of ability to sustain sufficiently on my own is heightened while I have some alone time, much appreciated and every bit as much wanted as it is needed. The effort and the amount of time that has been spent to break down this child role plays havoc with the mind, body, spirit connection and often more than not, I remove myself from situations that disturb and even disorient me from my self proclaimed opinions and ways of conducting everyday life by not talking and pulling away in the room where my belongings are.
To look and to study the self induced isolation is uncomfortable and soothing at the same time as it gives me a sense of control over my life and sometimes my everyday living situation.
I no longer seek the approval and the guidance the child requested and demanded. Instead I request that I be allowed to simply be. I enjoy this time of solitude and quiet and see it as a time of self healing, a way of regrouping and refocusing, possibly on what is and is not important. It is a pleasant change, a right of passage that I accepted once before, when I became an adult or was allowed to make adult decisions.
When my parents arrive home they will be welcomed and I am hopeful that their time away brings them a sense of peace and the realization that although some family time is important to sustain a household, the alone time is equally or even more important, at least to me.
Surprisingly though, my internal growth and maturation and the years of distance and often my own personal avoidance of family, has not altered my role and unfortunately I am still looked upon as a child. And due to the fact that I am terminally ill and my parents have knowledge and awareness of this fact and digest the information in their own way(s), my role of child is not an adult child, but a child. The nurturing that was not there before is not there today and I, for lack of knowing how to be any different, feel more like a fourteen year old and many of the issues that I face with my family and much of the conflict that arises is different scenario, same players, been-there-done-that-before.
The frustration and the lack of privacy, lack of freedom, lack of independence and lack of ability to sustain sufficiently on my own is heightened while I have some alone time, much appreciated and every bit as much wanted as it is needed. The effort and the amount of time that has been spent to break down this child role plays havoc with the mind, body, spirit connection and often more than not, I remove myself from situations that disturb and even disorient me from my self proclaimed opinions and ways of conducting everyday life by not talking and pulling away in the room where my belongings are.
To look and to study the self induced isolation is uncomfortable and soothing at the same time as it gives me a sense of control over my life and sometimes my everyday living situation.
I no longer seek the approval and the guidance the child requested and demanded. Instead I request that I be allowed to simply be. I enjoy this time of solitude and quiet and see it as a time of self healing, a way of regrouping and refocusing, possibly on what is and is not important. It is a pleasant change, a right of passage that I accepted once before, when I became an adult or was allowed to make adult decisions.
When my parents arrive home they will be welcomed and I am hopeful that their time away brings them a sense of peace and the realization that although some family time is important to sustain a household, the alone time is equally or even more important, at least to me.
posted by the warrior at 10:14 PM
1 Comments:
people fall into the roles they've had. it's hard to change that dynamic, but not impossible....
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