friday 07.07

I write not knowing exactly what to write. I was listening to music and kept skipping from various artist to various artist and sometimes back again and no music was moving me so I shut it off. I opened up a book and began reading where I had left a mark, not remembering having read it before so I backed up a page and started from there and then realized I stopped reading for a reason. I did not like the book. My mind is full of clutter.

Two nights out in Dallas in a row and tonight I am home again and feel like a caged bird who has had its wings clipped. My surroundings are too comfortable for my own liking and I yearn for excitement and the unknown. Similar to what I had Wednesday and Thursday night and although each situation was different, polar opposites, I enjoyed myself and more importantly enjoyed the companionship of other people and although I have learned that I am my best friend and I treat myself with dignity, I desire to share it again much sooner than later and this causes me to want more and need more at a time when I know rest is important.

I watch the lights flicker and the motion makes me want to move. The cars that drive by from a distance make me want to leave on a road to nowhere, leading to somewhere after a time and this idea puts a smile on my face if only for a moment or more, it still is a smile. A bold smile, the kind that makes your jaw bones ache with unknown happiness, deliberate and soothing, but still aching because I know even when the phone rings, tonight I will remain housebound and this, especially tonight, I dread for no reason than the fact than I can and I do.

I reflect on the day and the kaleidoscope of thoughts and altered images that left me with a stomach ache and I want my wings to soar on a long flight, to nowhere like the cars and then someday, but not today, back again. Instead I remain still, out of focus for longer than an hour now with no resolution in sight. Boredom sets in before ten.