serendipity: wednesday 31.05

Wednesday

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wednesday 31.05

I sit here and wonder whether all of this is right or what right is supposed to be…Is there not a point that I am supposed to say, wait a minute idiot, I AM TERMINAL…what do you not get? Instead I am worried I will step on someone’s toes and
my insides hurt and
my mind spins and
my throat tightens
and the pain real, and I believe this morning more than others, that I deserve it and am supposed to suffer like this because the alternative is death
and although I am resolute, there is still so much I do not know and I must continue pushing foward, to do so is painful, for the body and the mind...

I see color, an assortment of color with the arrival of a hospital bed and I want serenity and blues so I make it happen with what is available and the alternative I do not think of, period. The bed representing the finality of a process I call my life.

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1 Comments:

Fox's Mom said...: Maybe the bed is simply another tool to make it easier for you to use your energy for the important things...could be, ya know.

I don't know you, or what choices you have made in, with, and for your life that could possibly make you deserving of what you are going through. All I know is that you would have to have been a really, really, really evil person to be tortured in this way, and I just don't think you are.

I think what I am so clumsily trying to say is that God didn't give you your illness anymore than He gives a four year a neuroblastoma, or a 15 year old acute lymphocite; I don't think He gave lung cancer to a smoker, nor do I think Frank Zappa's (reputed) acid trips brought on his cancer. I don't think God punishes us with terminal illness, or car wrecks, or muggings that go wrong and end with violence; and while I know that our actions and choices have consequences, I still don't think ANYONE deserves to go through some of the illness' I've seen irresponsible behaviour engender, and I'm pretty sure God is the guy I learned that mind set from. (I hope my use of the 'G' word doesn't put you off.)

So PLEASE, please, do not waste your energy looking for a way to blame your self for what you are suffering.

Please.; 9:33 PM

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: Name: the warrior; Location: dallas, texas, United States

just a simple young man full of texasTALLtales that wants to be a rock-star and fly fish in montana with hip-high waiters, dry cigarettes and an unbroken bottle of aged port.

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"my world is my playground, my canvas, and this my color wheel. A way to create, express and ponder as I walk about and sense my surroundings through my mind's eye. Energy is constant and ever changing and sometimes colors muddy, but more often than not, in my world, a piece is complete. This is MY process, MY memory and MY gift. SERENDIPITY2006: the only piece that will remain incomplete

"NEBRASKA football"

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

My disease has rooted and taken hold and continues to grow. There is no cure, only hope and pure will as I remain terminal, await the call of a higher power telling me to surrender my soul and am labeled end stage 'actively dying' by the medically gifted professionals that have and continue to surround me. I have many questions, no regrets and know, my purpose has meaning in the here and now and the hereafter, agreed upon before and possibly again. And whatever the outcome and when the conclusion and final brush stroke is laid to rest, I will remain a memory, a chosen one until eternity or until someone tells mortal souls different. There are no rules and there are no directions. This is not a dress rehearsal. This is my life as I know it today, yesterday and tomorrow. It simply is.

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Wednesday

wednesday 31.05

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