AT the request of several I finally am putting some of my thoughts down on paper as I have been spending a great deal of time in deep thought but using no outlets available to me to ward of the mental fatigue and drain that comes with thinking so deep and for so long. I have been ill, quite, ill for awhile now, off and on again, now on my fourth round of antibiotics trying to ward off the infections that plague me as my immune system continues to weaken.
Last week I spent three say and nights primarily in bed and was not even up to greet my father's sister, my aunt who arrived for a two week visit to lift his spirits and give me mother time she had requested to distance herself from the situation at hand, his rehabilitation moving at a snails pace, but still moving, many questions unanswered but those who will not ask the doctors the questions out of their own fear or laziness, the latter sounding harsh, but it definitely is a reality in my eyes.
I was asked if I needed anything from the grocery store two days ago only to be told what I had requested I did not need so I stopped and decided to get my own items rather than listen to the 'I feel like bickering with you' antics so often heard by my mother. I usually find myself walking even if it means stopping and puking along the side of the road just to get juices and yogurt to try and re-gain the strength and stamina I have lost rapidly.
My vacation to Chicago sounds and is becoming a reality that I look forward to. knowing my time away is well deserved and needed too. Sure I will miss my dog, but I will not be gone an extended length of time so the fun I will have can only strengthen my resolve upon my return and leading up to my departure. I am been very money conscious and am saving not only for the trip but so that I have some moneys in reserve as I find myself spending more of my money and accepting less from my mother as I feel it my duty to contribute all I can.
I enjoy the time I have during the mornings and early afternoon when I am here with the dogs and have to answer to no one, sometimes dreading the return as for some reason, there has to be screaming and a raised voice from my mother now that there is a third person in the home, much like it was prior to my father's surgery. And I realize that this is her way and something she has always done and the idea of being treated like and respected as an adult are out of the question in her mind.
It is bothersome, but it is more important I keep my CHI centered and balanced, spending more alone time in the room scouring the internet, getting ready for Spring and trying to stay warm in a house that is never heated above 65 degrees, even with a plea from my doctor to make it 'more livable' as the bone chill alone is creating a discord within my already depleted system.
My will remains strong but not as strong as it has been and it is my hope that upon vacationing I will completely re-focus and feed off the positive energy Momma Carole brings so that I can continue to live a bit longer.
The chill makes me dive under the covers much earlier than ever before and I am puzzled at how little rested I feel the following day. Its as if I never rested at all and with that, I will dive once again as I yearn for some slumber, possibly quality before I am awakened to take out Ashley Marie or my want for a midnight smoke.
Last week I spent three say and nights primarily in bed and was not even up to greet my father's sister, my aunt who arrived for a two week visit to lift his spirits and give me mother time she had requested to distance herself from the situation at hand, his rehabilitation moving at a snails pace, but still moving, many questions unanswered but those who will not ask the doctors the questions out of their own fear or laziness, the latter sounding harsh, but it definitely is a reality in my eyes.
I was asked if I needed anything from the grocery store two days ago only to be told what I had requested I did not need so I stopped and decided to get my own items rather than listen to the 'I feel like bickering with you' antics so often heard by my mother. I usually find myself walking even if it means stopping and puking along the side of the road just to get juices and yogurt to try and re-gain the strength and stamina I have lost rapidly.
My vacation to Chicago sounds and is becoming a reality that I look forward to. knowing my time away is well deserved and needed too. Sure I will miss my dog, but I will not be gone an extended length of time so the fun I will have can only strengthen my resolve upon my return and leading up to my departure. I am been very money conscious and am saving not only for the trip but so that I have some moneys in reserve as I find myself spending more of my money and accepting less from my mother as I feel it my duty to contribute all I can.
I enjoy the time I have during the mornings and early afternoon when I am here with the dogs and have to answer to no one, sometimes dreading the return as for some reason, there has to be screaming and a raised voice from my mother now that there is a third person in the home, much like it was prior to my father's surgery. And I realize that this is her way and something she has always done and the idea of being treated like and respected as an adult are out of the question in her mind.
It is bothersome, but it is more important I keep my CHI centered and balanced, spending more alone time in the room scouring the internet, getting ready for Spring and trying to stay warm in a house that is never heated above 65 degrees, even with a plea from my doctor to make it 'more livable' as the bone chill alone is creating a discord within my already depleted system.
My will remains strong but not as strong as it has been and it is my hope that upon vacationing I will completely re-focus and feed off the positive energy Momma Carole brings so that I can continue to live a bit longer.
The chill makes me dive under the covers much earlier than ever before and I am puzzled at how little rested I feel the following day. Its as if I never rested at all and with that, I will dive once again as I yearn for some slumber, possibly quality before I am awakened to take out Ashley Marie or my want for a midnight smoke.
posted by the warrior at 10:27 PM
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