the blame game
I believe that subconsciously I have had a difficult time settling myself down, especially at night, as I look inward to blame myself for my disease. It is a form of conditioning that I learned many years ago. I do not remember many circumstances in my childhood where blame was not placed on someone and too often when a question was asked, not me could be heard from all corners of the homes we lived in, the voices not limited to the four children.
As I reside in Texas I have watched as my day to day treatment is similar to the childhood I write about. And like the child of years ago, I remain the one who accepts blame if only for the chaos to subside.
The lack of respect and acknowledgment I have received as an adult living with my adult parents has only contributed to my wanting to blame myself for something I did not do. And no matter how many times I have seen it written in black and white and explained by the doctor authors, it is the inner child that assumes it is my fault.
I do not see me being treated as an adult as I had once hoped for and often talked about in therapy by myself and with my immediate family. And knowing myself as I do, I will continue to seek blame of some sort as anything different is foreign to me and would mean that I have been looked upon and accepted as an adult, not the child that left for college at the age of 17, returning rarely as I did not feel comfortable in my biological family.
Instead, I looked and continue to look at family as an extended circle and whether I see a person frequently or chat on the tele every now and again, I explain my family as extended and over the years have shared who I am with those I hold close.
The rest, I see as critics who I have allowed to shape my thinking without them truly knowing what I am thinking, how I think and why I think the way I do. It is not my mission or even need to change or explain to those who do not know me. I thought they would have taken time to learn through observation and conversation. Instead it remains quiet. For in my world I hope to leave a memory to be cherished by me and those I am sharing with.
However, I see more questions or answers that satisfy the person doing the talking, knowing when I was here, there was more silence and less adventure than I had hoped for. 'They' say that life repeats itself and never did I think I would repeat a childhood that I could not wait to grow out of, only to watch it repeat. And I wonder with sincerity why I am living it all over again only older and wiser enough to know that this is happening here and now.
I changed as have my friends and acquaintances. Others around me and some from afar have changed too. But the contrast is great. I am better for what I have experienced and what I continue to experience. Others are more grey, speak about the weather and refrain from asking questions of substance, convinced they know the truth or see the truth as they determine it to be.
Not what it truly is.
It might be a form of self defense but most likely it is who they really are and thus, I see few if no pictures of my childhood as I am always a child. A child that learned to punish myself at an early age as I never felt worthy or good enough for whom and for what I still do not know.
I only know that I continue to try and blame myself as I have done before, before I experienced and experimented with the world around me and all that I continue to be grateful for.
As I reside in Texas I have watched as my day to day treatment is similar to the childhood I write about. And like the child of years ago, I remain the one who accepts blame if only for the chaos to subside.
The lack of respect and acknowledgment I have received as an adult living with my adult parents has only contributed to my wanting to blame myself for something I did not do. And no matter how many times I have seen it written in black and white and explained by the doctor authors, it is the inner child that assumes it is my fault.
I do not see me being treated as an adult as I had once hoped for and often talked about in therapy by myself and with my immediate family. And knowing myself as I do, I will continue to seek blame of some sort as anything different is foreign to me and would mean that I have been looked upon and accepted as an adult, not the child that left for college at the age of 17, returning rarely as I did not feel comfortable in my biological family.
Instead, I looked and continue to look at family as an extended circle and whether I see a person frequently or chat on the tele every now and again, I explain my family as extended and over the years have shared who I am with those I hold close.
The rest, I see as critics who I have allowed to shape my thinking without them truly knowing what I am thinking, how I think and why I think the way I do. It is not my mission or even need to change or explain to those who do not know me. I thought they would have taken time to learn through observation and conversation. Instead it remains quiet. For in my world I hope to leave a memory to be cherished by me and those I am sharing with.
However, I see more questions or answers that satisfy the person doing the talking, knowing when I was here, there was more silence and less adventure than I had hoped for. 'They' say that life repeats itself and never did I think I would repeat a childhood that I could not wait to grow out of, only to watch it repeat. And I wonder with sincerity why I am living it all over again only older and wiser enough to know that this is happening here and now.
I changed as have my friends and acquaintances. Others around me and some from afar have changed too. But the contrast is great. I am better for what I have experienced and what I continue to experience. Others are more grey, speak about the weather and refrain from asking questions of substance, convinced they know the truth or see the truth as they determine it to be.
Not what it truly is.
It might be a form of self defense but most likely it is who they really are and thus, I see few if no pictures of my childhood as I am always a child. A child that learned to punish myself at an early age as I never felt worthy or good enough for whom and for what I still do not know.
I only know that I continue to try and blame myself as I have done before, before I experienced and experimented with the world around me and all that I continue to be grateful for.
posted by the warrior at 12:12 AM
1 Comments:
hey eric, i read somewhere that all you need to do to forgive is to forget. i can imagine how difficult it is to be living with your parents for any reason, let alone one of sickness. no doubt it would drive you crazy.
but i can't help thinking if you can forgive them, forgiveness of yourself will be right there.
i thought maybe these words might help in some way. i hope so. take care.
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