texas
I just placed a winter coat, with sharpa, over a Santa Barbara sweater and thought for more than a moment this must be an oximoron or something as I do not associate Santa Barbara with winter. I spent as long as I could playing ball with Ashley considering everything around me looks dead and the idea of throwing a ball that resembles a hardened snowball without gloves, is not my idea of a productive Saturday afternoon.
For two days I have been chilled, literally to the bone and no matter what remedy I have read and implemented to find warmth has not worked. When I saw my breath as I was brushing my teeth, INSIDE, I new my idea of warmth and that of my parents was different too...almost another oximoron.
Today is Jim's funeral. I did not know Jim. I did not go. But my mother went and represented our family, with dignity, knowing that the idea of asking me to attend a funeral or memorial service would be perceived as an assault on my mental state. And since I just completed another round of questions for the doctors and nurses and saw them standing strong in their convictions over my prognosis, it is truly best I stayed away from a funeral and know that my 'being there' for the family in a week, when all those that have appeared out of nowhere go back to somewhere, will be more meaningful and more sincere.
The smoke of my cigarette blew toward my coat and I shook my head, trying to end a thinking game that has left a lump in my throat, created puddles and muddied my process of knowing to the core, just like the cold, and it continues.
For two days I have been chilled, literally to the bone and no matter what remedy I have read and implemented to find warmth has not worked. When I saw my breath as I was brushing my teeth, INSIDE, I new my idea of warmth and that of my parents was different too...almost another oximoron.
Today is Jim's funeral. I did not know Jim. I did not go. But my mother went and represented our family, with dignity, knowing that the idea of asking me to attend a funeral or memorial service would be perceived as an assault on my mental state. And since I just completed another round of questions for the doctors and nurses and saw them standing strong in their convictions over my prognosis, it is truly best I stayed away from a funeral and know that my 'being there' for the family in a week, when all those that have appeared out of nowhere go back to somewhere, will be more meaningful and more sincere.
The smoke of my cigarette blew toward my coat and I shook my head, trying to end a thinking game that has left a lump in my throat, created puddles and muddied my process of knowing to the core, just like the cold, and it continues.
posted by the warrior at 12:55 PM
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