...in passing

Erin,

And just when you thought it was safe to go to sleep, right? Thank G-D for ambien and the plethora of other 'wellness drugs', yes this is how I have it marked on my medical alert, right after it says 'Texas DNR (Do Not Resuscitate)' it says, 'and takes wellness formula'. I found it humorous and figured what better thought to put down for the emt that might find me sprawled out and fallen limp on the bathroom floor...someday, not today or maybe never. Wellness formula for the terminally ill, I love the concept! I figured it went well with the flower child genre I have going on with the band I chose to support the emblem.

The thoughts are deep and In fact, I had to take a slight siesta, not too long, not too short, in order to process how to 'tackle' you question without bruising my ego and all else that is suffering a bout of pernicious anemia right now. It is a constant, but this too is good because the alternative to the constant, well I am yet to experience it, yet,...

The thought pattern does and mine did change, however; I do not believe that I changed as a person. I became more withdrawn and introverted and often, not out of choosing, out of the fear, mortality creates in the mind of another, that fear that keeps the mortal friends and acquaintances away from me. The process is so complex that when I began to think about the translation, I knew not where to begin, how deep to think and where to finish as the end is the end, but in the process of thinking, no one, no book, no person, no any something, writes about death or even death and dying while it is happening and returns to say, 'No man, that was really a trip dude, you should try is sometime. It's a way heavy rush sorta like, but more like, and it's killer, try it...'

So, as I watched chapters of my life close, attitudes change and other chapters deepen and others begin, I thought it most appropriate to blog my thoughts.

I am experiencing it.

And having said that I believe that intelligence is a must.

It needs to be written and published and understood: 'intelligence, a form of intelligence that completes with the Mensa's of the world, is NEEDED and REQUIRED to complete the task of 'actively dying' and there is no instruction manual, but we know you should drink plenty of water, you are going to need it'...

And what are you left with? Take every thought you have had, roll it up into a ball, like balls of knitting yarn and when you are finished, if you ever are finished, this is what it feels like at this moment, and remember in an hour, you will feel parts or pieces, some more intense than others and then it may all begin again or you may chose a different set of colors to work with when rolling your emotions and be forced to juggle two, three maybe seven different balls of yarn, of varying size of course, at once.

The not knowing what was wrong, what is really wrong, has to be the worst feeling of all. It is all time consuming and powerful and not accepting to any fore thought you may have had. It has a mind of its own, grabs hold of your own mind, and takes you on a tireless journey that pushes you to the depth of your being, that I know it is down there deep feeling, that gut wrenching, pinch me when you can tell me this is all a bad dream kind of feeling that everyone knows about, but few people experience and this too, I believe is for a reason.

The mental games that keep feeding in your inner being that break that state of balance that you once were accustom too, are always malnourished and they take from your mind, from your body and from your spirit. And as I sit here today and can say with conviction and a degree of fact, the only degree that is certain for me, I am resolute to my surrender, the mental games continue to feed.

There is little time to cry, little time to think about what if or should of or would of, it is not important and CAN be interpreted as a waste of time, the time you now know for certain you have left.

Destinations change and doctors change and problems change and people change. It all changes. The one constant is that every person has an idea and CHOOSES whether to share that idea, that notion of what dying is, and most, the vast majority, ignore it. It is too complex and too awkward to talk about. I watch people often, taking the lead from me. If I laugh and I do so very often, they too laugh. Those who were confidants and you thought you knew, look different as you no longer are looking at them, you are looking threw them, deep into the spirit and this, my friend, is not easy as you were not invited to go there, it is just something you now do.

There is a separation that happens immediately and this separation is forced. Every living person has a belief, some set of something, that they use to put value on the after life. And your set being unique, open for discussion, but always different from another's, forces silence. People have the ability to walk away at anytime, whereas; you have to continue to deal with the 'actively dying' process twenty-four seven. It does not go away and when it does, you go away. I do not sleep most often not because I am not tired, but because I know time is limited, borrowed, and I am not always certain I am going to wake up.

I still look at people and their beauty and want to meet the pretty girl you mention and the pretty boy. I just want to meet people and be the social person I know I am. The social person that now sits in the corner and has been labeled, often mislabeled, and when you think like I that labels are for soup cans, sitting in the corner and watching is not acceptable, but you realize that people often do not, subconsciously or otherwise, have the want or desire to invest their time in someone who is 'dying'. After all, relationships are all time consuming, and you have not enough time for someone to invest in you. By the time that investment begins and a trust is built, time is gone. And even if you convince someone to cut through the surface bullshit and take the time to know you for you, they still remember who you were, which is still a part of who you are, only you think deeper and are forced to think deeper to comfort yourself.

A date, a stamp, a time frame is a difficult concept for the best board certified physician and many hate to give you a time frame. They cannot give you an exact as doctors 'practice medicine'. But what a doctor can do is tell you, and your health care surrogate, that you are at the end of where medical science can take you and there is no cure. In essence there is no hope. And unfortunately, some days are so intense with physical pain, the feeling of swallowing a can of rusty nails always comes to my mind.

You know, just know, that the end is drawing near. And other days when you feel better, as there never is another 'good' day, people question whether you truly are 'actively dying', even though they have seen the documents a thousand times in BLACK AND WHITE and they know your blood work is the truth and your dying a reality not to question, just the date to debate.

I am always searching for a different outcome and have had to make decisions that I never planned on making. I ask questions I never thought were possible to ask. I speak from my heart, with my heart and through my soul, knowing that very few are going to understand what I am saying because they ARE NOT living my life. They are not even living in my life, only is the time my life path runs parellel to theirs. To speak with a 'Freudian slip' (therapist) is not the best idea as they are book taught, but not knowing and not feeling what the dying person is feeling for they can try to empathize and do, but cannot feel it.

It is lonely and it is exhilarating. It is breathtaking and it is be wonderment. It is mindful and ever present, complicated and simple. It simply just is. It requires a strong willed, stubborn bastard as a participant and rarely preys on the frail and weak spirited. And once it grabs hold, it is destiny and laughter is good. Laughter is great and hope is important and something is better than nothing and complete understanding happens I am positive, but not until I am dead, so I cannot tell you about that and you cannot tell me for I will be gone, but you may be fortunate enough to see it and feel it.

I can request and hope and continue to maintain and pray and beg and wish that people understand, accept and participate on some level, but I cannot expect anything. It is unique, but I certainly would not call it an opportunity of a life time.

It is something I do not wish upon a worse enemy and crook. I want to meet the pretty girl at the beach and I want to surf with the pretty boy at the beach. I want to be more earth conscious to all sentient beings so that I am noticed as my destiny has been pre-written. I want to be alright and I am. But all I need is love. Love, plain and simple. And as I get closer to that pretty girl and pretty boy at the beach I shake my head and smile and know, that the pretty boy likes the pretty girl or someone else for that matter and it makes me smile, a little disappointed, but I still smile and nod my approval to both, in passing.