29 April 2006
confrontational.
3500 hits in one day... wow. it's been a long day with not much to break up the monotony of hospital life. i'm going to take my sleeping pills soon and black out another night where i would be wide awake and talking with friends. i'm not a fan of this kind of medicating, to correct sleep schedules and chemical imbalances. (vertigo is another story.) i'd rather let my body rhythms flow their own way, but instead i'm an inconvience, a protocol deviation. sorry, not a morning person.i've been thinking a lot about the comment from eric and his whole situation. how does one deal with the thoughts that you are simply waiting to die? we all are in the nihilist "who gives a shit" kind of way, but putting a timeframe on it? a specific date? what do you accomplish in that timeframe? do you feel like accomplishing anything at all? what wishes do you fulfill? which do you leave out? what's your list? do you not care about pickup lines with pretty girls anymore and go for the best laugh? how do you achieve inner peace at that point? or is it constant turmoil? accepting or angry? what's the most important to you? does it change from day to day? (none of this is specifically at eric, but i would be curious to know his answers.)i ask all these things because i wasn't able to ask my father twelve years ago. i ask because my own mortality scares the shit out me. i used to be a teenager, completely invincible. i used to say "i'm not afraid of death" but i know now that was premature. i used to be big, bad and fearless. now i've grown up and know that every day is potentially my last. i used to scare people by saying things like "i'm not afraid of death" and now i hear that and i'm scared for the person saying it. ok, ambien is kicking in and the train of thought has kind of gone off track, so i'm going to be done for the night.
posted by erin
confrontational.
3500 hits in one day... wow. it's been a long day with not much to break up the monotony of hospital life. i'm going to take my sleeping pills soon and black out another night where i would be wide awake and talking with friends. i'm not a fan of this kind of medicating, to correct sleep schedules and chemical imbalances. (vertigo is another story.) i'd rather let my body rhythms flow their own way, but instead i'm an inconvience, a protocol deviation. sorry, not a morning person.i've been thinking a lot about the comment from eric and his whole situation. how does one deal with the thoughts that you are simply waiting to die? we all are in the nihilist "who gives a shit" kind of way, but putting a timeframe on it? a specific date? what do you accomplish in that timeframe? do you feel like accomplishing anything at all? what wishes do you fulfill? which do you leave out? what's your list? do you not care about pickup lines with pretty girls anymore and go for the best laugh? how do you achieve inner peace at that point? or is it constant turmoil? accepting or angry? what's the most important to you? does it change from day to day? (none of this is specifically at eric, but i would be curious to know his answers.)i ask all these things because i wasn't able to ask my father twelve years ago. i ask because my own mortality scares the shit out me. i used to be a teenager, completely invincible. i used to say "i'm not afraid of death" but i know now that was premature. i used to be big, bad and fearless. now i've grown up and know that every day is potentially my last. i used to scare people by saying things like "i'm not afraid of death" and now i hear that and i'm scared for the person saying it. ok, ambien is kicking in and the train of thought has kind of gone off track, so i'm going to be done for the night.
posted by erin
posted by the warrior at 8:00 PM
1 Comments:
Why should we fear something with an uncertain outcome? Having never experienced death, I can't with any certainty say that the actual act itself is pleasant or unpleasant. I'm rather fond of life, but I also enjoy a good adventure. I'll stay here until the powers that be decide I've had enough. Then I'll get to discover what all the fuss is about.
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