wednesday 10.05

As the thought process continues, I brace for another battle, and prepare as best I can, with the tools I have available, for the oncoming, in my face obstacle of ‘evil’ embraced, but with an asterisk, as it approaches with a vengeance, so unwelcome and unwanted.

A bleed out is before me, in me and signals imminent danger and a disease progression that requires immediate attention from my mind, my body and my spirit. And as I write the three unified ‘my’s’, I sense a separation, a troubling one that I did not expect nor imagine.

My body works overtime like a transmission, plunk, plunk and a silence before another ker plunk arrives, trying with desperation and so little fuel left on board to maneuver the well defined workings of each internal organ, patching and band aiding as I lie awake and as I rest. It is a constant and the body is tired and will soon need an overhaul but the parts are no longer made.

My mind serves as a catalyst to the unknown, reminding me of the fragility of my humanity and congers emotions, man-made and raw as it energizes in a fight or flight mode, requiring the numbness of medication more than thrice hourly.

My soul waits patiently to disrobe and gracefully meet my creator, keeping the lines of communication open outside the here and now, awaiting that signal, that final invitation to return home.

And as I write and think, I realize that my mind, body and spirit once operating in my world as one, now operate as three separate entities, remaining connected but distancing themselves from one another for a future, the one I have been forced to make peace with so that, which time I have remaining, can continue to walk my life path as I see it.

I envision a future where I do not exist but an etched memory, a time and date stamped in shades of red to be discussed and thought of by others, not by or with the me I know present.