saturday 06.05

I awoke with no thoughts, which must mean I have quite a few stored, so many so, that I am not sure which one or ones I feel like thinking about. It is this time in the morning , on a saturday, that I can, if I want, reflect on the week, reflect by myself on how I am doing and what I need to do to feel a sense of accomplishment not just for a day's sake, saturday, but for the sake of my day's past, a week past. Sometimes I will think further in the past, only briefly, forcing myself back to the moment on hand and the thoughts present.

I look at the clouds, rain clouds, awaiting to pour, the dampness already projecting dew on the ground and I wonder when they will open up with fury and drop an inch or two of rain as expected by the papers and now all those living around me. I too wonder when I will open up and pour with fury and allow my emotion(s) to run raw, my internal silence deafening to my surroundings and to me. I follow my regiment, with disgust and take the required medicine to keep me functioning. And I say with disgust as it is a large quantity of medicine to be taking, in my humble opinion, and I know, having asked and researched even further, the medicine itself is somehow fooling my body into more days of life while causing more damage to what it is fooling, simultaneously. And as I separate from my body, I understand this metamorphosis and also understand that when my body discovers this phenomena, my organs will fail, not one but multiple.

So when I ask as anyone would, I think, how much longer and what I can expect, another smile is tossed my way, caught of course and cherished, and I smile back and the question is ignored and the answer is muddied at best, reminiscent of a puddle outside our house, stepped in and remembered but easily forgotten as an unwanted mess too.

Like the clouds I too wait and think and wonder and continue forward about my day knowing inconvenience, perhaps will 'dampen' spirits but that, like my thoughts, inconvenience shall pass for another day.