fear abounds
Fear abounds as I wait and see, see and wait and what I see I do not want nor need, but was I expecting it yes, but not yesterday and certainly not today.
I am throwing clots, blood clots and the pain I am trying desperately to control as I know that IF the bleeding does not stop,my last chapter is being written or is shortly forthcoming. My hope is the bleeding stops.
Meanwhile, I am wound up tight as a yo yo every time I use the bathroom or am forced to use it, afraid to see what I already know, the bleeding continues. No carrying, no lifting, no pushing, no pulling until further notice so my father mentioned, well you can kick (referring to my taking out of the trash). My mother screams today about the corn I did not eat two nights ago that she made, that someone else could have eaten. EAT it, I am bleeding and corn is the last substance I want to put through and inflamed system from esophagus to anus.
I slowly rock back and forth on the bed, grimacing as I fold my hands across my belly, sobbing and hoping. Dr. V arrives Tuesday so they have already told me to prepare for acute respite care, facility still pending and yes, I am bringing Ashley Marie.
Fentanyl, it is time to change my patches...the pain will dull and possibly I can close my eyes and get some rest, well needed rest for my body and my mind as I fight like any warrior would a battle, out manned and outgunned but certainly knowledgeable and with the conviction to defeat that which I embrace, my disease process...
I am throwing clots, blood clots and the pain I am trying desperately to control as I know that IF the bleeding does not stop,my last chapter is being written or is shortly forthcoming. My hope is the bleeding stops.
Meanwhile, I am wound up tight as a yo yo every time I use the bathroom or am forced to use it, afraid to see what I already know, the bleeding continues. No carrying, no lifting, no pushing, no pulling until further notice so my father mentioned, well you can kick (referring to my taking out of the trash). My mother screams today about the corn I did not eat two nights ago that she made, that someone else could have eaten. EAT it, I am bleeding and corn is the last substance I want to put through and inflamed system from esophagus to anus.
I slowly rock back and forth on the bed, grimacing as I fold my hands across my belly, sobbing and hoping. Dr. V arrives Tuesday so they have already told me to prepare for acute respite care, facility still pending and yes, I am bringing Ashley Marie.
Fentanyl, it is time to change my patches...the pain will dull and possibly I can close my eyes and get some rest, well needed rest for my body and my mind as I fight like any warrior would a battle, out manned and outgunned but certainly knowledgeable and with the conviction to defeat that which I embrace, my disease process...
posted by the warrior at 2:16 PM
1 Comments:
I came by yesterday, read your post, and couldn't think of anything right to say.
I still can't, except for this-Eric, you are one of the bravest people I've ever known of.
I hope you were able to get some rest last night.
Bianca
Post a Comment
<< Home